


Dear Connor Murphy: A Collection of Letters

by spaceudon



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Everyone Is Gay, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Letters, M/M, Poor Evan, SO SAD SO SAD, Short updates, Slow Burn, Tree Bros, try not to get high expectations because i will inevitably disappoint
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-05-03 13:14:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 8,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14569788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceudon/pseuds/spaceudon
Summary: A collection of unopened, unread letters from Evan to Connor.





	1. Letter #1

**Author's Note:**

> heLLO!
> 
> This is not a fast paced fic. In fact, it’s quite slow, but only because of the way the story is told (through letters) so plez be patient.
> 
> I can promise some Tree Bros stuff will be going down, though, and although you may have to read ~10 letters (they’re really short) to really get to it, you can’t just skip the first ten chapters. Maybe the first, because that one’s really just there to introduce the idea.
> 
> Anyway, thanks if you read this note at all!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi.
> 
> Sorry. This will be... hm. A ride.
> 
> And not the kind that I know you all want in terms of Evan/Connor. Because sorry AGAIN, but that's not happening.
> 
> EDIT: soz guys tiny bit of editing has happened

_March 4th, 2018_

 

Dear Connor Murphy,

 

It's been a while. ~~I've missed you~~ I don't know if writing a letter is the best way to say all of this stuff, but I guess I'm back to letter writing. Sorry. I guess you can't really see what I'm doing, but ~~this whole letter thing is making me super nervous, I mean I don't know how you're reacting to all of this as you read it and~~ I just got back from the park. I've attached some pictures of the trees there - it's spring, so they've flowered. It looks kinda nice. You know, if you're into that. Which I am. I guess. I hope you are, too ~~, or this'll be quite a boring letter~~. There were some kids there today in my usual spot and I didn't really know how to react, so I just went on a walk until they left. That's probably not what you would've wanted me to do if you were there - you'd probably have gone up to them and told them to "get the hell out" or something, but it's okay. I got to see more of the flowers than I usually would have seen. It's okay. You know, sometimes you're just too much to handle, right? It makes me laugh, sometimes, but I think it probably scares other people. Maybe.

 

I don't know what else to write about. ~~This feels really, really awkward.~~ Will you reply? Please write back so I don't feel stupid, or something. I don't know. It would be nice. Maybe we could be penpals or something. That sounds fun. Maybe you don't think so.

 

Anyway, I guess I'll be writing again soon, especially if I hear from you.

 

Sincerely,

Me

 

 


	2. Letter #2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah the letters will be of varied length. deal with ittttttt
> 
> also letter #3 is when things start to get real so just put up with this it's a little necessary
> 
> just a bit
> 
> and yeah i'm aware of run-on sentences i just think it fits evan's character quite well

_March 7th, 2018_

 

Dear Connor Murphy,

 

So, you didn't reply. I don't really know what I was expecting, but I guess photos of trees aren't really good conversation starters, after all. Jared was right about that, at least.

 

I'm back at school now. Therapy kind of sucks and my therapist is way stricter than she was before, but it's for my mom, so I don't know. I guess you might not know what it's like, doing something for your mom? I don't know. I don't want to assume things.

 

You're probably wondering why I'm even sending these to you, but I don't really have an answer. I can't stop thinking about everything and things fly by so fast, but you've kind of stuck with me. Maybe it's because ~~I'm starting to~~ you made a strong first impression and it just. Yeah. Stuck with me. Anyway, this sounds really fake, but I hope that things are better where you are, because they kind of suck here. School every day is just as hard as you might think it would be, especially with Jared ~~leaving me all alone~~ making some more friends that I don't really know or feel comfortable around. Not that I ever, you know, felt that comfortable around Jared? But I've known him for, like - like a long time, and I guess that's enough to count, I guess we're kind of friends, except he's more obligated to be friendly, not that he's friendly anyway, and we haven't really been friends since we were really young, but that's okay. People grow up, I guess? Actually, it's not okay, I'm kind of alone. I'm always alone, though, so it's not really a big deal - even though I wasn't alone for some time, you know? - and I should probably just do my homework.

 

I think Jared might have a boyfriend now.

 

Please write back if you get this. ~~Or if you don't. I don't know how that would work, actually, forget it. Anyway.~~ It would be nice if you wrote back, but you don't have to, it's okay. I mean, it will be.

 

Sincerely,

Me

 


	3. Letter #3

_March 15th, 2018_

 

Dear Connor Murphy,

 

I thought about how long I should wait before writing another letter, but I don't think there's really a standard waiting time, so I'm writing one anyway. You probably won't open it. Actually, do you open these? Do you read them and then throw them away? Because if you do, I'd kind of prefer it if you maybe told me. That way, I wouldn't feel like I was, I don't know, like - like screaming into the void or something. I guess I was hoping that, by now, you would've at least gotten the first letter and that you might have replied, but, uh. No. You haven't. Which is alright, I mean, everyone's got their own lives, you know? And compared to your life, right now, these letters from me must seem really disorganized and inconsequential. I guess when you look at your own life, then you look at someone else's life, it's like, I don't know, some sort of fictional story that you can peek into just for fun? I guess. I mean, that's what it sometimes feels like to me, when I see other people with their normal families and normal houses and normals dogs and normal lives, you know? Because I just can't see them having anything more important than  _what's for breakfast?_ or  _when's the homework due?_  running through their heads at any given time, they're just so painfully normal, and that kind of scares me because it means I'm not normal, but it kind of reassures me because it means I'm not normal. I mean, like, the difference probably isn't very clear in writing, but they're really different things, you know? ~~I mean, what I mean is, you know, um~~

 

I guess I'm scared of not being normal because that means I'm different, you know? In a bad way. In the eat lunch alone and get nervous whenever people talk to me and all of that kind of stuff way. And it doesn't feel good, knowing that you're missing out on something that everyone else is just instantly a part of, like - like being blind ~~, but that would be way scarier, because then I wouldn't be able to see anything, and that would freak me out, I mean it's kind of obvious why~~

 

But being normal would be pretty bad, too, because that would mean that everyone else felt the way I did and that would just generally be bad for everyone. I don't want to feel the way I do a lot of the time. I get, I don't know, scared and nervous and anxious and yeah. ~~If everyone felt like that all the time, I'd feel worse, because I'd know that everyone goes through it so it's not even a big deal and I'm just being pathetic as usual, not that I don't already think that, but it would make it a lot worse, probably.~~

 

I'm not sure if that made any sense at all. I hope it did.

 

I saw your sister at school today - Zoe. She was wearing a purple shirt and I think you told me once that purple was your favourite colour, or maybe not, but it was, um. Very purple. It kind of reminded me of you, even though your favourite colour might actually be black and I might have gotten this all wrong, but still, she's your sister, and I guess that's enough to remind me of you on its own. Anyway, she looked kind of happy, but I don't know, it's not like I'm friends with her or I know her or anything, I just saw her once, not like that's enough to judge whether or not someone is happy because it can be really really really really really really really hard to tell with that sort of thing, I think. Another thing is that she had her nails painted black and that sort of threw me off, you know? Because that was your thing. But I guess it's her thing, now. ~~I'm not sure if she looks like you or not anymore.~~

 

This is a really long letter compared to the other two, I realize, and I'm sorry about dropping all of this on you, but I might as well send it now that it's been written. I guess. And it's not like you're going to read it anyway, seeing as you probably haven't read the last two. Sorry. I mean, ~~yeah, it's kind of upsetting, but~~ it's okay. I'll write again soon, even if you don't reply, I think.

 

Sincerely,

Me


	4. Letter #4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys! thanks for reading + comments! and kudos, of course.
> 
> if you're here from the DEH amino, i see youuu. if not, i still see you + appreciate your presence.
> 
> another note in case people get triggd: i'm english and i usually use english spelling (colour, mum) but i have decided that i will use "mom" instead of "mum" in this fic. beside that, i'm not going to change my spelling - i was going to, but. heh. it didn't work out.
> 
> anyway, thanks if you even read this author's note!

_March 20th, 2018_

 

Dear Connor Murphy,

 

 ~~Something exciting happened today~~ ~~Something cool~~ Something kind of nice happened today. It wasn't to do with trees, don't worry, although I did visit the orchard and it's been a while since I did that. It was nice, you know? Really peaceful. There are never any kids running around or taking my spot in the orchard, although I do sometimes see people around and it gets a bit ~~scary~~ awkward if they're a couple or something. Anyway, I was at the orchard, and this, um, this girl from school showed up. I don't know how she found it or if she knew I would be there, but she came up to me and said hi, which was a bit weird, because we were so alone and there was actually no-one else around us, like, at all, and if I were her I would've run away screaming. I guess she's kind of brave or something, I don't know, but ~~I think I might like~~ ~~I'd been waiting to introduce myself to her for a long time~~ she was pretty cool. Like I thought she would be, you know? And it's really nice when you build up an image of someone in your head, like that's who they are now, and when it comes to actually talking to them, you've already practiced in your head so much, you know? So when you're standing in front of them, looking at the ground or the trees or their nails or something and they just smile and say hi, it's like - like  _wow, you're just as great as I thought you would be_ , you know? I guess you might not. I mean, you never had a lot of faith in humanity or anything, so you'd probably just laugh in my face and punch the next person you saw. To bring balance back to nature. Or, at least, that would be your excuse.

 

I guess she'll just go back to ignoring me at school or something. You know. To bring balance back to nature, right? Can't have Evan making any new friends. ~~That was meant to be a joke, like one of your jokes that just say sad or bad or mad things that aren't really funny, but I don't think it really worked, it just made me feel kind of bad and I don't know, I'm trying not to feel bad anymore, that's not something I'm supposed to feel, right?~~ Haha.

 

Anyway, so I met this girl. As in, I talked to her. Not like I hadn't seen her at school. Actually, I was going to talk to her ~~after jazz band~~ a while back, but it didn't go very well and I had to go to the bathroom instead, but not because anything bad happened, just because I had to use the dryer, you know? The hand dryer. You know. I just got, like - like really nervous and you know how that goes, I just didn't think it was a good idea anymore and then I had to go anyway so it's not like she even knew I was going to talk to her back then.

 

Maybe she doesn't want to talk to me now, because she did this smile thing and I didn't really know how to react so I just kind of stared and she got a little weirded out, I could tell. But maybe she does, because when she was leaving she told me that she would see me later, no she actually did, it was like a  _hey, see you later, Evan!_ kind of thing and I just felt a bit confused because when is  _later_? Is that tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year? Or is it just in two hours? It's so undefined, and looking for answers is so hard when you can't just ask for them - you know I would ask, but we're not close enough, so there's that and I guess I might not have asked her even if we were that close.

 

~~Connor~~

 

You know when you're writing a letter and you write someone's name? I don't mean someone you're talking about, I mean like someone you're writing to, you know, and you just interrupt your story to write their name and maybe declare your undying love or your last words? And it just feels way too personal and serious and like it's the most important moment of your life or something, like your biggest secret is just going to be out there. I feel like that sometimes and I don't know why, because it's not like I even knew you 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is no glitch. the entire chapter has been uploaded.
> 
> \+ thinking of an update schedule. how does monday, wednesday + saturday sound?


	5. Letter #5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ehehehehehe.
> 
> btw i guess you could say there will be "made-up" characters, but i wouldn't call them OCs. they aren't developed enough to really be characters, if you get what i mean - they're just mentioned by evan.
> 
> trigger warning for homophobia

_20th March, 2018_

 

Dear Connor,

 

I almost finished writing out a whole letter, but I don't know, it didn't feel quite right, so I'm sorry if this one is a bit weird. It's my second one of the day so I don't really know if I should write out everything again or not because it feels like I already told you about ~~the girl~~ Zoe and the orchard but I guess I kind of haven't. Anyway, my first letter was a bit about seeing Zoe in the orchard, which was cool I guess, and she said hi to me, which was also cool. She said she would see me later.

 

That was the first letter, though, and I don't really want to write the same stuff again, so I'll send it if I find it. Because, you know, I ~~threw it away~~ lost it.

 

Anyway. My therapist said I should use these as a way to, uh, I don't know, like - like talk about my feelings, so I'm sorry if this isn't the kind of stuff you wanted to hear, but I saw Tyler and Dylan today. They're the ones who used to spread all those rumours about you back when you were, like, here, you know? I mean, you probably do know, the rumours were about you, after all, but I don't know if you know they were the ones who were doing it. Spreading them. The rumours, I mean. Yeah. So I was at school and I heard them talking about someone, saying they were gay and all of that stuff, so I thought I might as well just mind my own business, but - but it was  _you_ , they were talking about you, and you're not here to defend yourself anymore, so who's going to tell them they're wrong, right? Spreading rumours about that kind of thing is just gross and weird and sick and disgusting and I know you're better than that, I know you wouldn't do stuff with guys because that's just weird ~~and I know you're better than that and~~  I was going to step up, you know? _Protect your honour_ , Jared said, but he said it in this sort of annoyed way, not like his usual self. I was going to, anyway, and I'm telling you I was moments away from telling them to just stop saying gross things, but then Zoe came in, thundering like some sort of ~~beautiful but also~~  terrifying tornado wearing a band shirt and I just took a step back. She didn't say anything, but they shut up. She definitely knew what they were saying. But I'm being completely honest when I say I would've done something if she hadn't shown up, you know, it's just that I can't say anything in front of your sister, right? She's your sister. It's kind of her job to be getting upset about that sort of thing and not really mine at all.

 

I think I mentioned that I thought Jared might be gay before, but now I think he's straight again, even though he still gets weird about boys sometimes. I mean, I thought he was gay because I thought he was going out with this guy who you definitely don't know, but I think he might have a thing for Alana and it's really really really weird and just never going to happen because girls like Alana don't have time for dating and even if they did, they wouldn't be looking at guys like us. Or, at least, guys like me. Or guys like Jared. ~~Not that I'm interested god that sounds so cringey interested interested no no nonono~~ I think I like someone else, though. ~~Don't get mad at me, but it's~~

 

Connor.

 

Sometimes, I like to think that you can tell exactly how I'm feeling when I write these letters. I guess I know that you can't tell and that's partly because I don't think you read them, but mostly it's just because I know that no-one can ever really understand another person and that's what you've been saying all along and it's true, Connor, it's true. It's impossible to understand someone else completely, but that doesn't mean you can't understand them at all, you know? And it's not like I'm not trying, because I am, but it's just so hard to connect with people sometimes, especially if they feel like they're a million miles away and especially if you don't really talk to them in real life. Just in your head. A lot. I think it's one of those problems of our generation that adults, like, always complain about, like we're some sort of plague, but we actually just have iPhones and it's not even a big deal but I guess it is to them and maybe it's part of the reason why we can't connect to each other or maybe that's just my anxiety. Or both. But I know that someday, I want to find someone who does more than just try to understand me - I want to find someone who does understand me, completely and fully, maybe without even having to try, you know? Like, I see them and I talk to them and five seconds later it's like we've known each other our whole lives. I guess you would say that's just idealistic but guess what, my life is going up from here and I'm going to change, just so I can maybe like that dream someday, you know? Like, that's like - like, um, what I want to have in the future. Maybe I'll be studying trees and she'll be writing deep books that get made into indie films or she'll be part of a band or something, and it'll be the most peaceful life anyone has ever lived, ever, and I'll never have a panic attack again and therapy will just be over. Forever.

 

I think you'd laugh if you read that. Or maybe not. ~~Maybe you'd get sad and you'd pretend to laugh because that's what you always do, Connor, and don't you think people notice if you keep doing that?~~

 

I think I'll try to talk to Zoe tomorrow. Not about you, just about, like - like school stuff, you know? Something casual, like,  _oh, you thought I came here to talk to you specifically?_ or maybe  _what's the chem homework?_ because that's always a good one to start conversations, I think, in my experience. Which is very limited, Jared would say, and I would agree, I guess.

 

It's your birthday in a month. You should, uh, let me know if there's anything you want, even if you do think birthdays are a fallacy of human society and you'd rather kill yourself than be forced to celebrate with your family.

 

Sincerely,

Me

 

 


	6. Letter #6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the COMMENTS the comments. thanks to all of you because i love reading themmm
> 
> \+ HELLo update schedule is in place!
> 
> ++ fyi i'm not reaaally writing ahead of time (bc it annoys me when i publish and AO3 goes "oh yeah, this chapter was published 3 days ago hahehehah" bc it doesn't let me set the publication date as a day in the future) but i do have an idea of where this is all going
> 
> +++ sexual content in this one

_24th March, 2018_

 

Dear Connor,

 

You know how I said I was going to talk to Zoe? Well, I did, I asked her about the chem homework which was so dumb because we don't have chem together, we're not even in the same year, and Jared was laughing at me and I think she noticed because she invited me to go eat froyo with her which was a weird choice but I agreed, you know? Now it's Saturday and I just had froyo with Zoe because apparently that's a thing that she likes. Froyo. I wasn't really expecting that, but it's okay, I guess, I mean I got some money from my mom and she seemed really happy that I was making friends so she told the therapist, who was, like - like pretty happy ~~I guess, I mean, it's kind of their job to make me make friends what am I even writing~~

 

So we were eating froyo and Zoe got really sad halfway through. I don't know why, but she thinks that I know you or something and I don't know if I do or not but she does and it got weird so I kind of patted her on the back a bit but I was really nervous and like what should I do if a girl starts crying, right? Is it my fault or something? She said it wasn't and you just like froyo so she was sad to eat the froyo. ~~Why do I keep writing froyo~~ Which sounded a bit dumb and like a really fake excuse but I know when people don't want to be asked about stuff so I thought I should just drop it, you know? I mean, if I were her, I wouldn't want people to ask about my brother, either. But I guess not, because she kept talking about you and she started crying, saying she hated you and stuff but I don't know why, and then she said that your parents had money for you to go to college but it's gone now, they spent it on your rehab, and now she doesn't know what you're going to do when you get out of there because probably everyone will have graduated or something and what will you do? Repeat a year of high school? Actually, she said she wasn't crying because she was sad - which was kind of a lie ~~\- but that it was because now you have an excuse for everything you've ever done but she'll never have one, she'll always be the good daughter and she'll have to be even more perfect now that all your imperfections are being explained away by mental illness or whatever.~~ After that whole thing, it got kind of awkward so I left, but I think we might be friends in the future someday, which is cool.

 

You still haven't replied to any of my letters, which is okay, I mean you don't have to, but I was sort of expecting a response to the last one I sent, you know? It was kind of a heart to heart moment type of thing, but it's okay as long as you read it, I guess.

 

Actually, Connor, I have something to confess: I'm a big gay idiot. Every night, I think of you and how much I miss seeing you just walk down the halls and screaming at freshmen while I jerk off. I'm writing these letters to tell you that I love you and also that I want to have really hard, really rough sex with you for the rest of my life. There. I said it. You're batshit crazy and you probably behead bunnies in your spare time, but I'm really into that. That's actually why I have therapy every week - my mom found out about my wild kinks and she couldn't handle me being so into bondage. I bet you're into it too, so we'd be perfect for each other. Please reply with a dick pic.

 

Sincerely,

Evan the kinky as fuck gay boy


	7. Letter #7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey i suppose lots of you will have seen this before, but i read [this tumblr post](http://jentuu.tumblr.com/post/159650580911/facts-about-connor-murphy-spoilers-so-i-have%0A) and it's pretty thorough, so if you're looking for something to ~*jog your memory*~ on connor + his relationship with his family, i suggest you read it.
> 
> \+ it's my birthday tomorrow and idk whether to dread it or be excited. ye.

_26th March, 2018_

 

Dear Connor,

 

First of all, ignore my letter from two days ago. The day before yesterday, Jared was at my house and he told me he just read it and threw it away because it was "boring shit", but today he told me he actually sent it and that I should expect a nice surprise next time you reply. Obviously, he doesn't know that replying is just something you don't ever do, but I think you might read it and he won't tell me what he wrote, so I'm just going to say everything in it is lies. All of it. Except for the froyo, that actually happened.

 

I feel like I have a sense of duty now, one that I didn't have before, and it's my duty to write you letters whenever I can or whenever anything interesting happens. Or even if nothing happens. I feel like this is the only way I can give anything meaning anymore - if you know it happened, or if I tell you it happened, then it really did happen, and someone knows it happened, you know? It's like the tree falling in the forest when there's no-one to hear it. You've probably heard of this thing and you probably hate it, but it's the thing where they always ask you  _if no-one heard it fall, did it actually happen?_  It's like that. If no-one hears me fall, did it ever happen?

 

~~I don't know I'm being dumb again Jared was right this is boring shit~~

 

Anyway, you still didn't reply about your birthday, so I guess I'll just get you something useful ~~???~~ and maybe I'll ask Zoe about it. I'm not sure, though. I mean, I don't know if you two are on good terms or not, and, like - like that's kind of important information, right? I can't just ask he stuff if it's going to make her freak out like yesterday, that's, like, pretty bad. Anyway. In case you were wondering, she's fine now, and I guess you might've been wondering because last time she sprained her ankle you were the one who went to get the nurse - don't think I've forgotten all of that stuff - but yeah, I need to get you a present. Birthdays are important, you know? It's the one day of the year where everyone has to be nice to you and you get to have cake, which is probably my favourite part. And Jared's, even though I'm definitely not getting him any cake if he messes up another letter.

 

My cast is going to be removed in a week. I don't know how to feel about it. I guess it's good because it's been in the way and itchy and stuff, but it's also bad because it's the only thing you ever gave me, you know? That signature on that cast is the only sign that we ever knew each other at all and I don't know if I'm, like, ready to give that up yet, you know? Because I mean you don't know this but sometimes when I'm feeling nervous or scared or panicky or freaked out, I look at your name written all over my arm and it's almost like you're with me, you know? You'll think it's stupid because you know that you're actually lying in a white bed in a white room with white floors somewhere, but that's how it feels to me. You're not skeletal, you're  _you_ and you're healthy. And you're ready to fight anyone who says anything bad about anyone you love, or even people you like, or just people you don't hate. It's like if I wish hard enough, you'll come running down the corridor with your huge jacket trailing behind you and you'll just punch them in the face so they run screaming and they'll never bother you again and they'll never bother me again and they'll never bother us again. You're like a hero or something ~~okay this is getting too dumb now sorry~~ and it makes me feel like you could be that Connor someday. Or maybe you were, once upon a time. Or maybe not.

 

I know you felt like you had expectations to live up to ~~and that's why you~~ , or at least that's what everyone says, so I'm not going to make Hero Connor into one of those things. At least, I hope not. I know that's who you can be, on the inside. Jared was never anything but really really mean to you, but when he was cornered by Tyler and Dylan, you yelled at them anyway. Everyone kept saying you were a psycho for a week afterwards and even Jared acted really mad about it, like he was going to defend himself or something, but I knew you did that for him. I guess anyone paying attention would have known. And anyway, you've got to save yourself before you can save anyone else, so I really hope you read this and at least feel a little better about yourself.

 

I've got to go talk to the principal now.

 

Evan


	8. Letter #8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i keep my ideas in voice memos on my phone and. hm. idea for an alana x zoe songfic but should i?? or should i not is the real question.
> 
> trigger warning for suicide (but if you get triggered by suicide, i h8 to break it to you, but... you might need to find a new musical to love)

_29th March, 2018_

 

Dear Connor,

 

~~I did it I did it I did it I did it I did it I asked her I did it she said yes I'm so excited but also I'm sorry because it's Zoe it was always Zoe and it will always be Zoe~~

 

I did it. I asked the principal if I could have a week off school in April to visit you after my cast gets taken off. The doctor already said yes and I had a note and everything, plus my mom was there for once and she also said it was okay. The principal was a bit weird at first because it's school, obviously, but I told her I'd do the work and everything and then she kind of just sighed, deeply, like all the air inside her came out, and then said it was fine as long as your family said it was okay. ~~I asked Zoe right after and she got a bit mad at first but then sad so I guess that means she's coming with me or not god maybe I did something wrong maybe she hates me now because I tried to pressure her into doing this what if she never talks to me again~~ Zoe might be coming, too.

 

All of this stuff for your birthday kind of makes me think back to ~~when you~~  the start of the year. You probably don't want to see anyone. Especially someone you barely knew. Or barely related to. But I feel like I have to prove myself and, I don't know, I feel like writing these letters made us get closer, like - like on a sort of personal level, even though it's been one-sided, so if you see anything that, I don't know, freaks you out, just stop reading. Okay. Here goes.

 

It's probably too soon and everything, but ~~do you know how I broke my arm?~~ that day in the forest. With the pills. And the trees. I've always felt like - like trees kind of connected us in some way. Like, they found you unconscious, lying against a tree, empty pill bottle in one hand and the other just flat on the roots of that tree, like you were holding on to the last bridge between you and life itself. And then there's me, and I was alone when I climbed that tree and wondered what might happen if I just disappeared; if I just died, would anyone care? And so I did it, I threw myself off and it was like everything and nothing was happening all at once, like the world was rushing towards me as I hurtled towards the ground and it was a tree, and I love trees, so how poetic is it to be killed by something you love? And the colours were so  _bright_ , you don't understand, but they were so bright and they were looking at me - no, they were staring at me. They could see everything I ever felt and it wasn't like time slowed down at all, you know? Because people always say that, but they're lying. It was like time couldn't move fast enough, like I should just get it over with or something because I was wasting everyone's time. And I felt hot and then cold and then nothing, like  _oh, it's too late to turn back now_ , like  _this is really happening_ , like  _I'm alone_. You'll never understand that, because I did research, you know, and with pills, you just fall asleep. You get really, really tired and I guess you were always tired, always tired of the world, of living, so the pills were probably a familiar feeling. Like settling into a warm embrace or something. But when I hit the ground, Connor, it wasn't a hug. It was  _pain_. So much pain, beyond words, like I guess this is what childbirth is like for girls or something because I thought I was dying. Isn't that kind of funny, though? Like, I know it's just an expression,  _I thought I was dying_ , but I've never had such a situation where I could apply it so literally.

 

I thought I was dying, Connor, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to.

 

I couldn't pick myself up, I was blacking out, the pounding in my arm was so  _painful_ and I knew after a moment that I hadn't landed right, hadn't landed hard enough to kill myself and I wasn't sure if that was good or not, because if living was this painful I'd rather die. But at the same time, being nothing was what I always was and also what I always feared.

 

You're the only person I've ever told.


	9. Alana

_31st March, 2018_

 

Dear Connor Murphy,

 

This is Alana.

 

I thought I should write to inform you of the fact that your sister, Zoe, is going to visit you.

 

I always thought you were more than just another "teen on drugs", looking for your next fix or a new way to grab attention. We had that project together, remember? You actually did the work and helped me present it. It was more than anyone expected from you and, at the time, meant quite a bit to me. Actually, it was during that project that I realized how much you really care about Zoe, and I thought it would be best for you to know in advance: Evan likes Zoe.

 

Not in a friendly way, although I doubt you're naïve or optimistic enough to even consider that possibility. Evan has liked her for as long as I can remember and for that, I'm sorry. Evan would never have told you, but it's extremely obvious to anyone who has ever spoken to him, ever. Which is why I thought I _should_ tell you - Zoe told me that Evan was writing you letters. Personal ones.

 

We were never friends, but we both care enough about Zoe to cooperate, at least in this instance.

 

I just thought I should warn you not to get too attached. Zoe will always be above you in his eyes, Connor, and I don't want you to get hurt. Or, really, I think you should just let Zoe have this one.

 

Alana Beck

 


	10. Letter #9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU FOR READING. I don't say this enough.

_4th April, 2018_

 

Dear Connor,

 

We've got it all planned out.

 

Zoe's coming and Alana's coming with her - I didn't know they were friends, but I guess they are - and even though Jared threw a tantrum or whatever, he agreed to come, too. I think it's because Alana's coming.

 

Here are the things that have happened since I last wrote to you:

\- Zoe and I went out for froyo again but this time with Alana

\- I got 91% on the bio test

\- I helped Jared with his bio homework, which really means he just copied mine

\- I went to the orchard again

\- I also visited the park (the kids weren't in my spot this time)

\- I climbed a tree

~~\- I didn't throw myself off~~

 

It's definitely confirmed now that Zoe and I are friends. She said she trusted me and stuff and that she always felt like she could tell me things, private things, which Jared got annoyed about, but he's just whining all the time nowadays. Like, he should be happy that's I'm not a "freaky loser" anymore and that I'm actually making friends which, by the way, my therapist is getting really smug about. My mom has been happier when I see her, which is not a lot, but it's enough for me. I think telling you about what happened made me feel a lot better. Maybe all those tacky posters about not bottling it up and stuff are actually right about some things, you know? Don't think I'm going to go around telling everyone this kind of stuff, though.

 

You're still the only one who knows.

 

I can't tell Zoe - she'll never look at me the same way again, like I'm  _not_ weird, and Jared will just laugh at me about it or something. I don't even know Alana and I never spoke to her before, so she's a no. And my mom will freak. And my therapist will look at me like I'm made of money, like knowing that I tried to do - tried to do, like, something like that could let him charge more per session. I don't know.

 

So, Connor, I guess you're the one I trust the most to keep a secret.

 

Ironic. I'm not even friends you, but I feel like we've known each other for thousands of years. Like everything I've ever done led up to you signing my cast, and - and then I just ruined it all by writing that letter for therapy and making you think it was for you and then not realizing what you were going to do and letting you ruin yourself. We weren't friends, but I should have  _known_ , because we were going through the same thing every day of our lives and we didn't even know it.

 

I'm about to sound like a stalker, but ~~I used to watch you every day oh god that's creepy~~ I noticed you around school a lot. You had your backpack half open all the time, shoelaces untied on your left shoe, always. Your hair was never neat, always falling in front of your face, and I swear that you had reading glasses and you wore them in class once, but then someone broke them on purpose and you never wore them again. You always painted your nails black last year. Anyway. I went to your bedroom with Zoe the other day to get some of your stuff from you and it turns out your reading glasses were there, so I'm bringing them for you. I think Zoe used all of your black nail polish, though. ~~We also found your stash~~ It would be pretty cool ~~oh god that's such a lame thing to say~~ if you told me what you wanted me to bring.

 

Love,

Evan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soz guys but I think I might give the schedule a little change. i haven't updated for a bit bc exams! yay! and now, it’s not that I can’t update 3 times a week (I def can), it’s just that I feel like the updates are whizzing out wayyy too fast to deal w in terms of processing plot, etc. the whole point is that you’re given a limited amount of information, but updating so frequently almost negates that effect.
> 
> SO.
> 
> I will be updating twice a week instead!! Tuesday and Saturday will be the two days. I’ll see how this works and if it’s better, I’ll keep it. Otherwise, I’ll either go back to three updates or I’ll switch to one update. Hopefully it won’t have to be that infrequent.


	11. Letter #10

_5th April, 2018_

 

Dear Connor,

 

~~Yesterday was your birthday sorry I should have put it in the letter and~~

 

Happy birthday! Kind of. It's a day late, so I guess happy day after your birthday? I don't know.

 

Alana's sitting next to me in the car while I write this which is, like - like having a teacher looking over your shoulder while you're cheating on an exam, you know? Not that I've ever cheated. I would get way too freaked out and probably have a panic attack, if I'm honest, but I guess you can relate to that a bit more. ~~I mean I hope that doesn't sound rude or anything oh no oh my god it so does~~

 

Zoe's getting some chocolate right now. She's wearing the black nail polish again, which is kinda cool. She says we need chocolate "for the road" which sounds like something people say in movies but not real life. I don't know, I mean she's acting a little bit weird, but maybe she's just nervous. It's been a while since anyone has seen you, wherever you are, or have been, or - um, I don't know. Guess you're in ~~a mental institution hospital~~ ~~ward~~ somewhere else now. I hope it's better there. Do they let you read letters or do they censor them?

 

We'll probably be there in a day or two. I got you a birthday present.

 

Also, Jared has been acting weird. I don't think it's Alana anymore. He keeps trying to read my letters to you and like says he's not trying to when he clearly is and he's lying to me and I trusted him and that's just not something friends are supposed to do, right? I wish he would just tell me what's going on. I feel really helpless. And useless. Not like Jared has ever confided in me before, though.

 

~~Another thing is that I think I might be g~~

 

Anyway, we'll see you soon. Please don't try to kill yourself or anything like that so we can all celebrate your birthday together. ~~And sorry for making you celebrate it but I thought it might be cool~~

 

Love,

Evan


	12. Letter #11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woop here's a short update
> 
> INTENTIONALLY SHORT, I SWEAR. I'mNOT JUST BEING LAZY

_7th April, 2018_

 

 

Dear Connor,

 

Is it weird to feel like you're friends with someone you've never met? Like, a pen-pal, I guess. I never considered it before, but, like, it seems kinda weird. If you think about it too much. Feeling like you're best friends with someone who you probably haven't even seen in real life - I mean, at least I know what you look like - is the sort of thing that people describe as stupid, like a celebrity crush or something, until you say  _oh, we're pen-pals_. I don't know, it's just always struck me as weird.

 

But I guess if that's perfectly acceptable, then falling in love with someone is, too.

 

See you in a few days, Connor.

 

Evan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyway see you guys soon bc guess! who! prewrote! chapters!
> 
> that's right it me


	13. Zoe

_8th April, 2018_

 

Hey, Con.

 

Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope you're not mad or anything.

 

We're visiting in a few days. I guess Ev's been sending you letters? Mom told me that you're not allowed any technology at the clinic, so it kinda makes sense. Like, I haven't written a letter since I was four or something, but I'll do it for you.

 

Happy birthday, Con. What's the facility like? Actually, pretend you didn't read that. You probably hate being cooped up in there when you used to go out and smoke weed in the orchard or whatever. What was the name of that guy you used to like? You know, the one who was always at the orchard? You always got so pissed when I brought it up so I don't really know, but I could probably find him at school or something at take secret pictures. Stick them in a letter. You know, keep you entertained. Keep the love alive.

 

By the way, I've kinda got something to tell you. You'll be the last person to freak out about it, but you better not tell Mom or Dad because I haven't come out to them yet.

 

I'm kinda bi. Hope that's cool.

 

It feels awkward writing to you on a piece of paper, so I guess I'll leave things to be said in person.

 

Zoe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rip @ my heart


	14. Zoe

_12th April, 2018_

 

Fuck you, Connor.

 

Like, seriously? Fuck. You.

 

You ruined my life with your shitty drugs and your shitty anger issues and your shitty depression. You don't get to ruin Evan's, too. He's got more important things than you going on.

 

Fuck you with your pathetic hospital scrubs. Fuck you and your cheap black nail polish. Fuck you and your fucking suicide attempts.

 

Honestly, fuck you for making me walk in on that on my fucking birthday. You jacked up on a cocktail of meds, drugs and alcohol, holding the fucking kitchen knife. The kitchen knife, Connor. Like some fucking psychopath about to stab himself in the stomach and bleed out on mom's new carpeting.

 

If you think anyone's going to stop you a third time, you're wrong.

 

I don't even know who you are anymore and I don't know if I even care.

 

I wish you were never born.

 

Zoe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all will become clear soon enough


	15. Letter #12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry

_11th April, 2018_

 

Connor -

 

I don't undertsand dwhaty happend to you I thought it was all fnine I thought everything was good I thought I could finally talk to someone who understood me but no you left me just like everyone alywasy leaves me I don't know wh I can trust anymor e what's the point in outting faith in people who will always abandon me when I need the m the most


	16. Jared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry ladz

_20th April, 2018_

 

 

Hey, fucking weirdo.

 

Can't believe you're dead. That's wild.

 

Actually, I'm really pissed at you for going off and dying. That's, like, the one thing you shouldn't have done, because Evan was in the middle of his Big Gay Revelation and you kind of blew it for him.

 

Haha.  _Blew_ it.

 

But anyway, I'm trying to be fucking serious right now because Evan looks dead on the outside and inside. Before, it was just the inside. You broke him.

 

You're dead. You're not going to read this. Not like you read any of Evan's letters, either, except that one opened letter, but you definitely won't read this, so I think I'll just drop the whole false bravado act and give you the real shit.

 

I've known Evan for years. He's always been, probably, my only friend. I like to joke and say he's a loser and I'm not but we both know that just isn't true. We both suck ass when it comes to social lives, which is why we've been forced together all our lives. He's always had his fucking jittery social anxiety shit, but it got ten times worse after his dad left and his mom started working more. Messed him up real bad, you know. And that's when he started to rely on me for shit, which sucked, because I was an idiot who just made fun of him and bullied him. Yeah, it was bullying. Whatever. It's not like it was school PSA bullying, okay? It's not that bad. But that's the way it was for a while, until high school. And Evan, at that time, had started to talk about this girl. He didn't mention her name or anything, but I think we both know who it was. Your shithead of a sister. Zoe. Evan practically worshipped her and that - that  _really_ pissed me off, because, hey, didn't you used to worship me? Did you forget about me? Like, what the hell does this girl have that I don't? Apart from boobs.

 

This was when I had my Big Gay Revelation. I liked Evan. Which is fucking lame and I know it. It's not something I talk about, because who wants to get beaten up, right? Or rejected. By  _Evan_. It seriously doesn't get any lamer than that.

 

So, I was jealous of your sister and your sister was jealous of I guess anyone who ever had a conversation with you? She has major issues with you, you know. Evan, obviously, was oblivious to all of this shit, so I decided it was time to just ditch him. Which was around the time her broke his arm and I didn't sign his cast and all that shit.

 

But you did. You signed the fucking cast.

 

I hated you so much that day. It was like,  _fuck_. Fuck the Murphys. You know? Like, both of you were stealing Evan from me. He started noticing you and then it was like oh, Connor tried to kill himself. Oh, he dropped out of school. Oh, I should write him letters.

 

I think he always knew who you were. He paid way too much attention to you to be straight, that's for sure, but he was always low-key homophobic. Probably comes from his dad or his anxiety shit. But he would always watch you, and then Zoe, and be like  _hey, I like Zoe_ , when we all knew that it was you he liked more. Okay, maybe it started as a little idolizing Zoe thing, but it really snowballed into a huge gay Connor thing. And that sucks. Knowing the guy you like is gay, but that he's gay for some dead kid, is the worst thing ever. Because dead people are fucking immortalized and they can't do anything wrong, especially if he never even knew you properly. He fell in love with the stupid idea of you that he made up in his head, which is all kinds of fucked up and gross, and then you  _died_. That really sealed the deal. Now you'll always be Connor who signed his cast and then disappeared forever. Literally the first person to give Evan any kind of positive interaction to fill his therapy letters with. Dead and perfect.

 

It's kind of sick, though, how he has this whole fake idea of you in his head that's just become you, just because you're not around to be a shitty person and ruin his dreams. He'll remember writing you those stupid letters for the rest of his life and he'll never know that you didn't read them, because get this:  _I threw them all away_. I went into your ward first, saw all the letters in a neat stack and  _I fucking threw them in the bin_. Now he'll never know that you didn't give a shit about him. In fact, now he'll think that you read every single one.

 

Jesus, I really am a masochist.

 

Jared


End file.
